2007 is coming

and 2007 is nearing, we count down to the dawn of the new year. slowly as we leave 2006 behind, we look back and try to see what was great with it, and what was wrong with it, and what could be done better in 2007. i wanted to share some photos from 2006 which i thought had great significance during the year, but then i realised that most of my photos are lost because of the numerous times that my computer had crashed. bad thing in 2006. oh well lets now begin with the resolution.

[ one ] to be a better person spiritually, physically and emotionally. i guess i tend to be rather emotionally unstable at times, which would result me in going into a state of depression, and during that span of time when i'm depressed i tend to do weird things. to say i'm schizophrenic... well... maybe. so i guess i gotta cut down on that.

[ two ] to be able to fully maximise my time during the week, and the weekends. i'd probably be asking people out during the weekends, or maybe a person... well so that i won't be wasting time and get my body moving. and during the week, i have to fully stretch my time in order to be able to finish my work on time and have time for myself.

[ three ] to probably run the standard chartered marathon. yes i think i'm going to train up for that event, but that is if i have the time and resources to do so. currently i think its gonna be hard, but if i ever had the opportunity to run, i'll be wearing that "finisher of the 42.125km" shirt.

[ four ] to enjoy the new year.

honestly i don't really have much in mind because i'm looking forwards to certain events at a time, not so much the year as a whole. whatever 2007 may bring me, i'm ready to take it on. and i believe that the year may lay down a few obstacles for me, a number of challenges and certainly the roller coaster ride that never seem to end. oh well let's just take it piece by piece, like how i always do.

happy 2007 world, time to open up those eyes.

parallel goals

i ran and i ran and i ran. honestly it never felt so good before. yea i went running, aimlessly maybe, or probably for about almost an hour or so, or maybe it was 45 minutes. ran from my place, to sengkang mrt, then to somewhere near IMH, then ran to hougang mall, and then ran to punggol park, and ran 1.2 km around it, and then ran back to my place. probably roughly 8km or so, and it had to end up with a cramp on my right hamstring... i somehow learnt that sometimes, its good to not have a definite goal in mind, but rather to have a parallel vision. for example, i didn't tell myself that i was going to run a certain distance, or run to a certain point, i was kinda undecided where to run and made changes along the way. however, i ran to the pace of my music and ended up running much further with ease. oh well...

emotions, vines, candy floss

i certainly know emotions are hard to ignore, and when emotions become a link between people, it is like a vine because the longer it is left to grow, the harder it is to remove it from the tree trunk. truly it has been more than a month or so since i last saw her and talked to her, but i must admit the emotional connection still lingers, like how strands of candy floss would cling on to the centrifuge after you pulled out the clump. i miss her but she is just too far gone. i doubt there's any possibility of a reconciliation, and i really hope she'd stop hoping for one because its going to hurt the both of us.

the split gave me an opportunity to do a lot of other things, like say bodybuilding and also catch up with alot of my friends whom i've not seen for some time. and also not forgetting those that just returned for vacation but had to fly off again... damn what a waste. not to mention i bought xbox 360 too, and i'm only halfway through Burnout Revenge though i've played it for some time now. now the next titles i'm going to get are Gears of War and Call of Duty 3. and i'm certainly waiting for Halo 3 to appear, and who knows what other games that would spring up next year.

happy with life? well i feel like there's something missing, He knows, and i have to do something about it. apart from that, this feeling of being incomplete makes me feel alienated from the world; as if someone had strapped me up on a slingshot and shot me up into the sky as i watched the world shrink to the size of my fist. this new year is going to be different, because i'll set realistic resolutions and goals that i would like to achieve in 2007, and i'd probably list them out for all to see. however, i gotta think of them all first yea?

and for those of you who know me and is reading this, i wish all of you a joyous 2007 ahead. for those who don't, have a joyous 2007 as well as make a new friend today yea? and if you still don't get it, then just stay happy and be merry.

and now for prayers...

worse than ever

i can't believe today turned out to be worse than expected, with nothing to do, no one to spend the day with and practically wasting the sands of time away since morning. i f***ing hate the feeling of wasting my time and not doing anything, and to be honest its just f***ing annoying. i'm already having so many f***ing problems in my head and the last thing i need is a dull and sluggish day. i might as well f***ing hibernate like wild animals.

my brain just can't stop thinking, and i'd wish to blow it up. seriously, it has been bugging me since i can't even remember when. and especially with an unclear and fogged up path to the future, i somehow feel that i need a change in my life, or maybe a reset, like how computers operate. i used to have dreams of a great future, to spend it with my wife and all, and how my home would be like, and how we'd spend our time on happy sundays... all those thoughts now seemed to atomise and diffuse up into the clouds.

apart from all that, maybe someone could help me interpret my dreams. both of them involve shooting people, and well killing them. first one i had was a week ago, in which i was a double agent working in the Reichstag, being tasked to assassinate Hitler. however in the end the plan failed and i ended up being chased by the SS, and subsequently killing them by putting rounds into their faces. second one i had was last night, in which i was trapped in a house while having a number of crazed men closing in on me. i put 2 rounds into the head of a guy who was about my age, and one round each into the chests of 2 old men.

hopefully i'll dream of killing more men tonight, at least i'd report to work with a sadistic smile but at the same time with a tinge of evil brewing beneath the skin's surface.

crying hearts, teary eyes

i can't sleep. the feeling that this gives me is crap. it's certainly not nice to have tears rolling from your eyes every night for the past week. because it sucks. yeah it sucks. to think that i'd be able to handle it well, i beg to differ. then again, i can handle this.

there's this song which i've been listening over and over again, partly contributing to how i've been feeling, but i feel that the lyrics are very meaningful and touches the heart:

I guess you're the only one

That nobody changes

I guess you're the only one left standing when everything else goes down

You're still the only one

You're still the only one

yea and that's how the chorus went.

anyways i find that this holiday season is kinda being a buggeration because it'll only mean that i'll be spending more time at home and doing nothing. sucks. apart from probably going to the gym, yea maybe hang out with a couple of friends or do stupid stuff, that would probably sum up the year end for me.. or maybe if you'd like to change it for me?

lonely year end again...

i think one of the lousiest thing to do is to spend a holiday season alone, be it hari raya or christmas, and especially if it falls near the end of the year. i guess this year i'll be spending it alone yet again, at least if no one wants to accompany me, or if everyone has others to spend their time with, leaving me with no one... oh well... it isn't the first time either. and boy do i sound so pathetic, maybe i should really do something. i think i'll go party this coming christmas and new year's eve, gotta catch up with lots of people and have some serious fun.

ok let me begin on my criticism. today i was at the gym and then i saw 4 clowns, okay maybe shouldn't call them clowns, i'll call them guys. they were apparently working rather hard to train their arm muscles, primarily their triceps. and gee they spent a damn long time on the cable pull down that it made me fume. 30 mins if i recalled correctly, what asses. probably they are trying to tear their triceps hoping they can skip national service... maybe...

oh well i really can't find things to do except for gymming and playing on my xbox 360. or maybe i could walk from here, and navigate all the way to town, go sightseeing, shopping, and then take public transport home... good idea eh...

so anyone up for a movie or outing?

just worn out

there has been so many instances where i would just want to pick up the phone to give you a call. but i didn't. i couldn't. and i hate this feeling. my brain is continuously thinking of you, and honestly i'm just worn out because of this. my head is exploding. there's just so many things to think about.

i wonder how she might be. my life's a huge mess, a mangled mess of distant memories that cuts deep. sometimes i go to bed crying, and yea it has been weeks but those tears still do come out because of her, and for her. somehow something within me tells me that i should shut my eyes to all these things that would only affect me negatively, then again with my eyes closed i would be blind to what would come. i needed you, and that was then.

with all that aside, im currently enjoying my one week of leave. not exactly loving it though because i simply have nothing much to do. well everyday would simply be the same i guess: wake up to the sun and then start wondering what i should do during the day. okay at least i've planned to go to the gym on thursday and friday, but that is all i guess. nothing else planned.

so for those who are free just give me a call i'd be glad to go get some fresh air.

and to those enlisting on january into BMTC, hope to see you there. hope you get to be in my platoon, but trust me i wont make life any easier. i have to set the standards.

9 months for 1 day

after a long 9 months, everything boils down to today's parade. hundreds of people are going to have their eyes fixated at the 12 contingents on the parade square. parents would try to spot their sons and daughters, friends try to look out for their friends, and i must also say that we within the contingents do try to look around for people at the grandstand. emotions would definitely run sky high as it would encircle our hearts and minds, electrifying the crowd as we march and execute drill movements. there is just about 9 hours left to the parade's climax.

as i count down the 9 hours, there's this feeling of not wanting to leave just yet that still lingers in our hearts. i can't bear to leave my friends behind, but i always tell myself one thing, and that is we may pass out and leave this place, but the memories would still be deply etched in our minds, and in our hearts.

to my friends out there, stay in touch. i'm here.

you never left

it is about how you told him that if a girl were to receive flowers from a guy, her heart would melt. it just hit me in the face, like a slap on the cheeks or even being smashed head on onto a wall. i realised that of all those flowers i had given you, did any of them really melt your heart? and if they did, does thinking of them now make you feel anything at all? does it make those tears cascade down your smooth rosey cheeks?

for me, it did.

"just get out of my life" is what i want to say, but my heart cannot bring me to that. up till now, i still don't know how you are. are you happy? you seemed to be. balls i say because i know you better. you will just never know me like how you think you knew. honestly, i don't think you knew me that much at all.

f*** it.

im trying to be happy with my life now, and hey, 3 weeks of exercising, dieting and bodybuilding has made some significant difference in the way i look. all worth it. i guess now i can put aside the cigs.

the heart still aches

i was never happy that it had to end. honestly, up till now, i'm still deeply scarred. for probably 2 weeks or so i've been putting up a false front, trying to bury my true emotions underneath my skin. i'm trying too hard, i think.

i have plenty of things that may distract me from the hurt, but it merely serves as a temporary solution. just like how a face powder conceals the blemishes on the skin, it has to come off some day or another. i just smsed her, she seemed to be happy, though sometimes i believe that's not the case because i know her best. at times i even wished that she'd just come back, but i guess that is just another long shot. whatever it is, i have to shift my priorities if things are to remain like this.

"Can you truly say that i've left your heart for good, and that place in your heart that was for me is now vacant without a single trace of my love for you?"

on a side note, i finally got my sword. now the only thing that's left would be the bar, and subsequently, the contract, if all goes well during my interview.

lonesome

there's this sinking feeling nowadays in me whenever i glance at my mobile. it seems to be dead. no one calls me. no one smses me. not like the past. yea i'm sorta complaining, but it sure does make it one less thing on my mind. i'm trying to make the best of my life right now, like bodybuilding and learning new things. and apart from that, hopefully i'll get the scholarship contract so that i'll be able to sign on to the army. contrary to what many people think, they think that being in the army means that your life would be restricted, and you'll have a boring life. but i seriously think that life as an officer is rewarding, and exciting. thus, comes my passion to be in the army.

anyways, thats another issue. i feel so estranged. let aone bored everyday with nothing much to do except for plucking the six-stringed thingamagic.

gah brainless

i've been so invovled in a lot of physical activities nowadays. probably im just a fitness freak, or well maybe not. but i guess times have changed, and the whole world too seems to turn gray, not literally though. things become dull nowadays, with nothing to do except for endless hours of rehearsals and the dreaded 'mad rush for time'. always.

i look at things differently nowadays, like for example people around me and well... probably others that i can't really think of now. oh well my brain is rather empty now so i don't think i'd say anything more.

a different sunday

throughout the whole of 9 months of training, i've never been pushed beyond my physical capabilities, until yesterday. simply put it, yesterday's parade rehearsal almost killed me, well not exactly kill, but black me out. it was just a matter of practising certain arms drills and with that standing under the blistering heat of the almost midday sun. i'm rather surprised that a number of my fellow contingent members almost didn't make it through, because usually for commander's parade, everyone would last the whole way through. to be honest, i didn't know what was wrong with that particular day.

well anyways today has never been so boring before. i'm basically rotting at home with nothing to do. i want to go to the gym, but then again, at least not until i get my supplements online. i'm trying to help others get their supplements too, hopefully buying in bulk would make it cheaper. but the again, i haven't got my posting yet so i just have to wait.

it is dreadful to be lonely, especially with no one around for you to spend time with. i just feel as though i'm being suspended in mid air, looking down on the city streets, watching people enjoy their sunday shopping, eating and having the companion of those around them.

i guess i'll just float until someone pulls me back down to earth.

in a dillemma

there are so many decisions in which i have to make, but i rather put them off than think of them. kinda like procrastinating you see. i just don't like being burdened by all this. well probably the one major thing that's on my mind would be:

1) LSA/SMS/SAS

yes i'm still undecided about having an army career as an infantry officer. how different will my life in the future be and how will it be related to my field of studies? plus, after my bond, what am i to do?

next thing that im caught up with would be:

2) BODY ENGINEERING

yes and i think it is about time i did something drastic to my body. probably making it larger, more toned and defined, and probably scary in the eyes of my subordinates!

and the last one probably is a well kept secret that not many know about. and if i were to disclose it on my personal web space here, this blog won't even belong to me.

changes in life changes people

and now i think of what to do with my life, the decisions that i'll make and how my actions would ripple in time and space and cause a reaction, whether favourable or unfavourable. i was on the bus back from an air base today and i was contemplating whether to sign on to the army or just carry on life as a normal adult. that was hours ago, and i'm still pondering over it now. i think the things that had happened has made me change, and made me set a different course in my life. there are no more restrictions in my decision making, only what lies ahead needs to be anticipated.

there's something about me which may present to others as snobbish, proud and probably attention-seeking. i don't disagree with the fact that i love attention, but probably not all the time. even shakespeare needs breaks. but to those around me, i truly apologise for my improper outlook (especially lately). nonetheless, my antics may well continue.

life is starting to get interesting, maybe. till then, the future is just a split second away, all the time.

very messy nowadays

i feel very uneasy nowadays, don't even know why. its just probably the stresses of having to go through my day to day life that's been bothering me. also, i don't seem to get what i want or desire, so its been a little bit of frustration here and there. thankfully the computer in my room can finally be accessed, and i can log on any time.

other than that, life now is a bore. got to escape from this sick cycle.

it is still not easy

this is going out to you:

up till now i think it's been very hard on you. i don't want that to happen, i don't intend for this to happen but it has to. i want to spare you the pain, surely you'd wish for me to spare you the pain but i simply cannot do it. it is just for your own good. i don't want to leave you feeling hurt and down, it saddens me too, believe me.

i'm trying to lead a normal life, though it proves to be very hard. i have never heard from you since sunday and i truly and sincerely hope that you are fine and well. there should be no hard feelings between us, though i think you might be blaming me for this. i don't blame you, and i will never. i won't contact you till the end of the week, i need to give you space to breathe and think. till then i truly hope you'll look after your own well being and not do things that you would regret.

it never was easy, trust me.

why i was silent

this is going out to you:

i had to be silent, i had to say little. i can't bear to make you hope anymore, neither can i bear to shred your heart into irreparable pieces. if you'd remember the last time when i was in camp, i cried so badly, i couldn't hold myself back. all the tears that could have been shed on that day poured till my tear ducts were dried. i had no tears left on that day and cried without tears. when i do that i'm holding you back, and i don't think i want to hold you back anymore.

please do forgive me for not being very responsive. i just don't want to crash your heart, but at the same time i just want you to leave me with nothing attached.

i thought i could say what's on my mind, but doing that would only make things worse, just like the other time, and the other time, and the other time. this isn't the first time it happened, it happened so many times before. i foresee that this time it was going to hurt both of us even more than the past, but it has to be done now, and to keep you hoping for something to happen would be so selfish of me.

believe me, i can't say or tell you everything because your pain is my pain, your sorrows are my sorrows, your heartfelt burden is shared between us. there was simply no way that we can continue the relationship.

telling you how i truly feel would only make you grieve, to cry endlessly and to be so crushed and emotionally torn for life. you have many years ahead of you, and i don't want to ruin it. many more left to be said, but not at this very moment. you need time to heal, i need time to heal. neither of us will heal faster than either of us, we'll heal at the same time, and lead our separate lives. till then, may peace be upon you.

karma and stuff

karma hasn't been good nowadays cos' life's been going down a rocky road. something drastic happened that will make me think back upon the past couple of years. i kinda regretted, but then again a part of me felt it was okay. it was only yesterday when it happened, and right now i'm quite unsure about how i should be feeling. three years is a long time, but if it were to continue, then it would be much harder in the future. it was hard to part, there were so many emotions attached but i guess both of us should know what's best.

i may seem like any other person, heartless towards this situation. i don't believe in karma, cos' i just feel that there's more to life than a perfect balance. because if i believe in karma, i wouldn't be feeling so messed up right now. my emotions are being shaken about and stirred around and i'm trying to get her out of my head. i guess this is the hardest thing i've ever had to do.

ive never been in this situation before, so i'm unsure of how to go about returning life to the way it is. for the past three years it has always be 'us' and 'we', but now my life will have more 'i' and 'me'. it feels weird really, and i must say f***ed up but it can't be helped. right now the only thing i want is for her to emotionally detach herself from me. besides i need to return her phone and other stuff she asked me to safe keep. i really am clueless to what i should do now. help me please...

it still hurts.