why i was silent

this is going out to you:

i had to be silent, i had to say little. i can't bear to make you hope anymore, neither can i bear to shred your heart into irreparable pieces. if you'd remember the last time when i was in camp, i cried so badly, i couldn't hold myself back. all the tears that could have been shed on that day poured till my tear ducts were dried. i had no tears left on that day and cried without tears. when i do that i'm holding you back, and i don't think i want to hold you back anymore.

please do forgive me for not being very responsive. i just don't want to crash your heart, but at the same time i just want you to leave me with nothing attached.

i thought i could say what's on my mind, but doing that would only make things worse, just like the other time, and the other time, and the other time. this isn't the first time it happened, it happened so many times before. i foresee that this time it was going to hurt both of us even more than the past, but it has to be done now, and to keep you hoping for something to happen would be so selfish of me.

believe me, i can't say or tell you everything because your pain is my pain, your sorrows are my sorrows, your heartfelt burden is shared between us. there was simply no way that we can continue the relationship.

telling you how i truly feel would only make you grieve, to cry endlessly and to be so crushed and emotionally torn for life. you have many years ahead of you, and i don't want to ruin it. many more left to be said, but not at this very moment. you need time to heal, i need time to heal. neither of us will heal faster than either of us, we'll heal at the same time, and lead our separate lives. till then, may peace be upon you.