worse than ever

i can't believe today turned out to be worse than expected, with nothing to do, no one to spend the day with and practically wasting the sands of time away since morning. i f***ing hate the feeling of wasting my time and not doing anything, and to be honest its just f***ing annoying. i'm already having so many f***ing problems in my head and the last thing i need is a dull and sluggish day. i might as well f***ing hibernate like wild animals.

my brain just can't stop thinking, and i'd wish to blow it up. seriously, it has been bugging me since i can't even remember when. and especially with an unclear and fogged up path to the future, i somehow feel that i need a change in my life, or maybe a reset, like how computers operate. i used to have dreams of a great future, to spend it with my wife and all, and how my home would be like, and how we'd spend our time on happy sundays... all those thoughts now seemed to atomise and diffuse up into the clouds.

apart from all that, maybe someone could help me interpret my dreams. both of them involve shooting people, and well killing them. first one i had was a week ago, in which i was a double agent working in the Reichstag, being tasked to assassinate Hitler. however in the end the plan failed and i ended up being chased by the SS, and subsequently killing them by putting rounds into their faces. second one i had was last night, in which i was trapped in a house while having a number of crazed men closing in on me. i put 2 rounds into the head of a guy who was about my age, and one round each into the chests of 2 old men.

hopefully i'll dream of killing more men tonight, at least i'd report to work with a sadistic smile but at the same time with a tinge of evil brewing beneath the skin's surface.