gah brainless

i've been so invovled in a lot of physical activities nowadays. probably im just a fitness freak, or well maybe not. but i guess times have changed, and the whole world too seems to turn gray, not literally though. things become dull nowadays, with nothing to do except for endless hours of rehearsals and the dreaded 'mad rush for time'. always.

i look at things differently nowadays, like for example people around me and well... probably others that i can't really think of now. oh well my brain is rather empty now so i don't think i'd say anything more.

a different sunday

throughout the whole of 9 months of training, i've never been pushed beyond my physical capabilities, until yesterday. simply put it, yesterday's parade rehearsal almost killed me, well not exactly kill, but black me out. it was just a matter of practising certain arms drills and with that standing under the blistering heat of the almost midday sun. i'm rather surprised that a number of my fellow contingent members almost didn't make it through, because usually for commander's parade, everyone would last the whole way through. to be honest, i didn't know what was wrong with that particular day.

well anyways today has never been so boring before. i'm basically rotting at home with nothing to do. i want to go to the gym, but then again, at least not until i get my supplements online. i'm trying to help others get their supplements too, hopefully buying in bulk would make it cheaper. but the again, i haven't got my posting yet so i just have to wait.

it is dreadful to be lonely, especially with no one around for you to spend time with. i just feel as though i'm being suspended in mid air, looking down on the city streets, watching people enjoy their sunday shopping, eating and having the companion of those around them.

i guess i'll just float until someone pulls me back down to earth.

in a dillemma

there are so many decisions in which i have to make, but i rather put them off than think of them. kinda like procrastinating you see. i just don't like being burdened by all this. well probably the one major thing that's on my mind would be:

1) LSA/SMS/SAS

yes i'm still undecided about having an army career as an infantry officer. how different will my life in the future be and how will it be related to my field of studies? plus, after my bond, what am i to do?

next thing that im caught up with would be:

2) BODY ENGINEERING

yes and i think it is about time i did something drastic to my body. probably making it larger, more toned and defined, and probably scary in the eyes of my subordinates!

and the last one probably is a well kept secret that not many know about. and if i were to disclose it on my personal web space here, this blog won't even belong to me.

changes in life changes people

and now i think of what to do with my life, the decisions that i'll make and how my actions would ripple in time and space and cause a reaction, whether favourable or unfavourable. i was on the bus back from an air base today and i was contemplating whether to sign on to the army or just carry on life as a normal adult. that was hours ago, and i'm still pondering over it now. i think the things that had happened has made me change, and made me set a different course in my life. there are no more restrictions in my decision making, only what lies ahead needs to be anticipated.

there's something about me which may present to others as snobbish, proud and probably attention-seeking. i don't disagree with the fact that i love attention, but probably not all the time. even shakespeare needs breaks. but to those around me, i truly apologise for my improper outlook (especially lately). nonetheless, my antics may well continue.

life is starting to get interesting, maybe. till then, the future is just a split second away, all the time.

very messy nowadays

i feel very uneasy nowadays, don't even know why. its just probably the stresses of having to go through my day to day life that's been bothering me. also, i don't seem to get what i want or desire, so its been a little bit of frustration here and there. thankfully the computer in my room can finally be accessed, and i can log on any time.

other than that, life now is a bore. got to escape from this sick cycle.

it is still not easy

this is going out to you:

up till now i think it's been very hard on you. i don't want that to happen, i don't intend for this to happen but it has to. i want to spare you the pain, surely you'd wish for me to spare you the pain but i simply cannot do it. it is just for your own good. i don't want to leave you feeling hurt and down, it saddens me too, believe me.

i'm trying to lead a normal life, though it proves to be very hard. i have never heard from you since sunday and i truly and sincerely hope that you are fine and well. there should be no hard feelings between us, though i think you might be blaming me for this. i don't blame you, and i will never. i won't contact you till the end of the week, i need to give you space to breathe and think. till then i truly hope you'll look after your own well being and not do things that you would regret.

it never was easy, trust me.

why i was silent

this is going out to you:

i had to be silent, i had to say little. i can't bear to make you hope anymore, neither can i bear to shred your heart into irreparable pieces. if you'd remember the last time when i was in camp, i cried so badly, i couldn't hold myself back. all the tears that could have been shed on that day poured till my tear ducts were dried. i had no tears left on that day and cried without tears. when i do that i'm holding you back, and i don't think i want to hold you back anymore.

please do forgive me for not being very responsive. i just don't want to crash your heart, but at the same time i just want you to leave me with nothing attached.

i thought i could say what's on my mind, but doing that would only make things worse, just like the other time, and the other time, and the other time. this isn't the first time it happened, it happened so many times before. i foresee that this time it was going to hurt both of us even more than the past, but it has to be done now, and to keep you hoping for something to happen would be so selfish of me.

believe me, i can't say or tell you everything because your pain is my pain, your sorrows are my sorrows, your heartfelt burden is shared between us. there was simply no way that we can continue the relationship.

telling you how i truly feel would only make you grieve, to cry endlessly and to be so crushed and emotionally torn for life. you have many years ahead of you, and i don't want to ruin it. many more left to be said, but not at this very moment. you need time to heal, i need time to heal. neither of us will heal faster than either of us, we'll heal at the same time, and lead our separate lives. till then, may peace be upon you.

karma and stuff

karma hasn't been good nowadays cos' life's been going down a rocky road. something drastic happened that will make me think back upon the past couple of years. i kinda regretted, but then again a part of me felt it was okay. it was only yesterday when it happened, and right now i'm quite unsure about how i should be feeling. three years is a long time, but if it were to continue, then it would be much harder in the future. it was hard to part, there were so many emotions attached but i guess both of us should know what's best.

i may seem like any other person, heartless towards this situation. i don't believe in karma, cos' i just feel that there's more to life than a perfect balance. because if i believe in karma, i wouldn't be feeling so messed up right now. my emotions are being shaken about and stirred around and i'm trying to get her out of my head. i guess this is the hardest thing i've ever had to do.

ive never been in this situation before, so i'm unsure of how to go about returning life to the way it is. for the past three years it has always be 'us' and 'we', but now my life will have more 'i' and 'me'. it feels weird really, and i must say f***ed up but it can't be helped. right now the only thing i want is for her to emotionally detach herself from me. besides i need to return her phone and other stuff she asked me to safe keep. i really am clueless to what i should do now. help me please...

it still hurts.