he waits for her for weeks, hoping she'd return quick. he checks his mails, and checks his phone, hoping she'd contact him in one way or another. unfortunately for him, she never did. what could she be doing there? painful as it seems, he endured the searing pain in his heart and swallows the lingering agony. "just be strong", he tells himself.
these few days have been such a drag. thankfully, all high key activities are over and i'm just sailing towards my next batch. however, it is such a pain not being able to have you here physically. gosh i miss those days, and now, i feel so alone.
at times like this, it is good to have a willing friend to talk to and to hang out with. i just wish it would be as simple as that. thinking of someone won't bring that person physically nearer, neither does hoping for someone to be there. i'd love to be able to call you, but i have no clue what your number is...
gee i feel so dead, so tired and mentally drained. physically exhausted and stretched to the limit. i need a long vacation, with someone, to get the mind off the stresses of everyday life, and to experience life on a different surface of the world.
argh boredom is killing me! good thing i'm going home this wednesday. and my parents will be out of the country! gosh if only you were here...
i realised that it has been weeks since i've placed anything up to be read and shared. i guess it must be the constant stresses of work and other priorities that come into play. lots of things have happened since the last time, and i must say so many things can indeed happen in such a short time.
i'm not to sure whether i should be thankful, or dread the fact that i'm back on the island when i belong. one of my friends said that it is a good thing, and well maybe i'll just listen to him and take his word for it. life on the island is somewhat relaxing at time, but can be a bore, a chore and a pain in the bum-bums when paperwork starts to bog you down. but other than that, i'd take my island life.
recently things starts to get a tad topsy turvy with people coming in and out and things just start happening without any rhyme nor reason. i can't explain why either. and the more i think of it, the more my head wants to pop open and release the thousands of yellow chicks screaming "argh! argh!".
on a separate topic, my computer is giving my lots of problems. it loves to freeze, which in turn makes me punch the computer tower. i've knocked it several times already, and well it kinda seems pretty screwed up but hey its working right now so im not complaining. i'm just pretty vexed that i'm unable to get Heroes and i'm gonna punch the computer really soon.
yesterday, i managed to catch Spiderman 3 on the movies (finally) and well was quite excited. however, my movie experience was partially ruined because of ill-disciplined children who don't know how to keep their bloody mouths shut. as much as i love kids, these kids deserved to be hanged up on a wall, with a hook to their pants. then hire some imps to poke their buttocks with sizzling hot iron rods while laughing gleefully and their crying faces. oh don't forget to bind and gag them so that they'd make little movements and little sound. but mainly i blame their irresponsible parents who don't ask the kids to shut up. if i were to scream and shout, i'd shout at those stupid parents (mothers) who don't even bother to tell their kids to keep mouths sealed. for your information, they were just watching the shows happily ignoring their kids while other movie goers were shhh-ing away. hope they trip and fall on their way home, sprain their ankles and can't walk for 3 months... wait... make that 6...
anyways, i'm like a ticking time bomb, waiting for the triggering moment to just blow up. and i'm still waiting.
our lives are what we deem it to be, be it prosperous or impoverished, gleeful or sorrow-laden, or faithful or reckless. most of the time i think we tend to overlook this fact, because we are simply human beings. we are indeed at times lazy to make the decisive change in our lives to make it better, to kick in into full gear and coast along the highway that is our life.
many a times, we tend to blame failures on external factors. 'it was raining'. 'i didn't have enough time'. 'she was late, which resulted in me being late'. common excuses that are being used countless times because we simply refuse to look at ourselves for the mistake that we've committed. simply put it: we always think we are perfect and that if we do things according to what we planned for, a discrepancy in its execution is always due to the negligence of others.
there are also those who are deemed as the 'hopeless case', always at the negative end, have personal grudges with their own lives and are basically dissatisfied with how their lives are. it is not that they are unable to break the shackles of their misery, but rather they are unknowingly unwilling to do so. think of it as being in a locked cage, and that the lock can only be opened if you slaughter a chicken. people would be reluctant to slaughter the chicken, but well slaughtering a chicken isn't a very difficult thing to do. so it boils down to the case of whether you have the will to escape from your emotional troughs and soar back up to its peaks. it is always mind over matter.
something also struck me, a spiritually strong person is emotionally strong. but you must have the right faith.
i guess this place has been left rather untouched for far too long now. i've been busy for the past few weeks, juggling work and more work and some issues. fortunately, it has come to a point where the dust has settle, and so am i. so here i am penning down my thoughts like nobody's business hoping to gain some attention from unsuspecting surfers.
i've been thinking of this for quite some time: can the blind imagine how things were to look like? especially if they were born blind. anyone knows anyone who's born blind? i'd just like to find out because this is one of those things that not many people would think of and would ponder about. and well somehow i believe that though it may seem to be a curse or handicap to them, they might have something special about them that they have yet to discover.
anyways i'm kinda glad that i'm clean. been more than 2 weeks without the smokes, though somehow i feel that it isn't that hard to quit if you actually have things to preoccupy yourself with. like for me, i preoccupy myself with work, people and of course chocolates. yup, i'm a choco junky and i think it has become my secondary addiction. oh well, eat dark chocolates yea? at least they have the flavinol antioxidant, which is good for the body.
and apart from that, i'm finally leaving the island, and heading to a new camp. at least it is on mainland, and i won't have much problems having night's out. oh well... it's gonna be exciting...
ready to strike
and it really is true that the chinese new year holiday was going to be dull for me. with nothing to do and all the shops closed for the time being, i'm being quartered within the four walls of my house. somehow i wish that i could go visiting, at least i would not waste my time at home sleeping and listening to music.
all of a sudden it dawned upon me that today is a monday. monday is actually a lovely day, if there's no work and no worries that is. especially at about noon or a little later than that, that's when it is most ideal to laze around in a cafe and chill out with some friends. and maybe you could talk about whats coming up in the week, discuss business models or holiday destinations. lots of things to do on a monday.
but i got nothing.
in my heart i truly wish that you'd see things from my point of view. understand why i sacrificed so much for. and know why i let my heart dangle on that cliff's edge just to open up your eyes. i guess i never told you that i don't want to see you on the other side when that time comes. i never told that God is one and only one. i never told you that i believe in He, and submit to Him, the one and only and no one else.
i've let you speak from your eyes too much. now it is time for you to close your eyes, and close your ears, and shut all your senses. have no thoughts. all you need to do is feel with your heart.
it is interesting how different people chose to lead different lives. but it is even more intriguing how people who are akin to one another chose different paths in life. i can only heave a long and hard sigh, with a concoction of emotions swirling around in my heart.
God help me.
i don't have a clue. i'm puzzled. only couples are entitled to know each other's job? i know, it makes no sense to me too.
anyways today's a sunday. i want to hang out, go catch a movie, chill and hang out, eat, puff and leave all the worries behind. i guess i'll be returning to that wretched island tomorrow, giving me the whole of today to enjoy.
oh bummer it's going to be valentine's day this wednesday. so what have you guys got planned? somehow i feel that valentine's day on a wednesday is just a smash to the head. why? well because the next day is a freaking thursday, a work day. best day for a valentine's day: friday. without a shadow of a doubt. go figure.
i better be out of the house soon. i'll thrash about.
something came over me a few days back. i don't know why it happened but it just happened. i told myself to give her another chance. but why? i have no idea. probably it was the fact that i was feeling very lonely, or that i can't lay the past to rest. it can be painful at times i must admit, but sometimes the feeling simply dissipates and i feel an air of calmness. like when i hang out with my boys at the smoking corner, we can simply just let the world go away and leave it all behind. i think it is just the company of friends that helps to alleviate the hurt and distracts your mind from your day to day stresses.
thinking about the week that's passed, i realised that different parts of the week would conjure different moods. here's my day to day interpretation of the 5 days of the working week. or at least my working week:
monday
work has just begun, and i have a long way to go before i finally get to go home. i look at the forecast of training for the week, and plan my lessons accordingly. at night when i go to bed, i'd think of anything random, from my past to what i'd do in the future. and that includes the upcoming weekend which is in fact a number of days away.
tuesday
only one day had passed, so nothing special about the second day. i have to keep the enthusiasm going to last me till friday, and show my boys that i'm in the same situation as them. the nights are quiet and lonely, probably the most emotional of the 5 days as i begin to reminisce and immerse myself deep in my thoughts. i also think of the people around me, and wonder whether they know i exist, or just chose to ignore my existence.
wednesday
i'm halfway there, and trying to stretch for the weekend. but at times, i may feel like im stuck in the middle. 2 days passed and 2 days to go. stalemate. here i'd try to think about what i'd do on friday night, planning to enjoy my weekend while trying to make myself feel better about the slow and draggy week.
thursday
there's an aura that always accompany the thursday. the day would be as any other day, but the day would also beckon for the night, and then the night would beckon for the next day, which would be a friday unless the end of the world came springing up suddenly. i'd usually enjoy dinner at the SBL, or simply spend the night on the rooftop, staring at the sky and getting high. thursday nights are nice, because you'd think of going home, and you don't think of anything else.
friday
friday is d-day. it is the day where i would be able to go home. but, knowing that i'm in a training school, i'm always prepared to go home on a saturday morning, which is just a bummer. however the air on friday is just different. the morning would be slow and calm, then friday prayers at noon adds an air of serenity on top of the laid back day. and as the clock ticks towards the 5 o' clock mark, i would just be on alert, to get up and go. but if i were to stay back, the night would make me think even more. friday nights makes me think rationally, as i try to reason out the thoughts that i have had for the previous nights. then i told myself, maybe i shouldn't.
i'm kinda bummed by the fact that i'm not doing anything tonight apart from watching soccer at home. i was so enticed by the idea of going for a solo movie, meaning catching a movie alone. but i kinda fell asleep and woke up late. and i didn't know what show would be nice. maybe i'd go watch later... if i have the time.
suddenly i realise that doing things alone is just a darn sad thing to do. but hey i'm a living in a world where 6 billion people would live 6 billion different lives with 6 billion different needs... and 6 billion lonely people.
