it never ends

and it really is true that the chinese new year holiday was going to be dull for me. with nothing to do and all the shops closed for the time being, i'm being quartered within the four walls of my house. somehow i wish that i could go visiting, at least i would not waste my time at home sleeping and listening to music.

all of a sudden it dawned upon me that today is a monday. monday is actually a lovely day, if there's no work and no worries that is. especially at about noon or a little later than that, that's when it is most ideal to laze around in a cafe and chill out with some friends. and maybe you could talk about whats coming up in the week, discuss business models or holiday destinations. lots of things to do on a monday.

but i got nothing.

in my heart i truly wish that you'd see things from my point of view. understand why i sacrificed so much for. and know why i let my heart dangle on that cliff's edge just to open up your eyes. i guess i never told you that i don't want to see you on the other side when that time comes. i never told that God is one and only one. i never told you that i believe in He, and submit to Him, the one and only and no one else.

i've let you speak from your eyes too much. now it is time for you to close your eyes, and close your ears, and shut all your senses. have no thoughts. all you need to do is feel with your heart.

maybe i shouldn't

something came over me a few days back. i don't know why it happened but it just happened. i told myself to give her another chance. but why? i have no idea. probably it was the fact that i was feeling very lonely, or that i can't lay the past to rest. it can be painful at times i must admit, but sometimes the feeling simply dissipates and i feel an air of calmness. like when i hang out with my boys at the smoking corner, we can simply just let the world go away and leave it all behind. i think it is just the company of friends that helps to alleviate the hurt and distracts your mind from your day to day stresses.

thinking about the week that's passed, i realised that different parts of the week would conjure different moods. here's my day to day interpretation of the 5 days of the working week. or at least my working week:

monday
work has just begun, and i have a long way to go before i finally get to go home. i look at the forecast of training for the week, and plan my lessons accordingly. at night when i go to bed, i'd think of anything random, from my past to what i'd do in the future. and that includes the upcoming weekend which is in fact a number of days away.

tuesday
only one day had passed, so nothing special about the second day. i have to keep the enthusiasm going to last me till friday, and show my boys that i'm in the same situation as them. the nights are quiet and lonely, probably the most emotional of the 5 days as i begin to reminisce and immerse myself deep in my thoughts. i also think of the people around me, and wonder whether they know i exist, or just chose to ignore my existence.

wednesday
i'm halfway there, and trying to stretch for the weekend. but at times, i may feel like im stuck in the middle. 2 days passed and 2 days to go. stalemate. here i'd try to think about what i'd do on friday night, planning to enjoy my weekend while trying to make myself feel better about the slow and draggy week.

thursday
there's an aura that always accompany the thursday. the day would be as any other day, but the day would also beckon for the night, and then the night would beckon for the next day, which would be a friday unless the end of the world came springing up suddenly. i'd usually enjoy dinner at the SBL, or simply spend the night on the rooftop, staring at the sky and getting high. thursday nights are nice, because you'd think of going home, and you don't think of anything else.

friday
friday is d-day. it is the day where i would be able to go home. but, knowing that i'm in a training school, i'm always prepared to go home on a saturday morning, which is just a bummer. however the air on friday is just different. the morning would be slow and calm, then friday prayers at noon adds an air of serenity on top of the laid back day. and as the clock ticks towards the 5 o' clock mark, i would just be on alert, to get up and go. but if i were to stay back, the night would make me think even more. friday nights makes me think rationally, as i try to reason out the thoughts that i have had for the previous nights. then i told myself, maybe i shouldn't.

i'm kinda bummed by the fact that i'm not doing anything tonight apart from watching soccer at home. i was so enticed by the idea of going for a solo movie, meaning catching a movie alone. but i kinda fell asleep and woke up late. and i didn't know what show would be nice. maybe i'd go watch later... if i have the time.

suddenly i realise that doing things alone is just a darn sad thing to do. but hey i'm a living in a world where 6 billion people would live 6 billion different lives with 6 billion different needs... and 6 billion lonely people.

ooh ooh that honeymoon

all of a sudden my brain twitched and i thought about where i'd chose to go for my holidays and honeymoon. well i'd definitely go for more than one honeymoon because hey there are so many different places in the world that God made beautiful.

1. Paris
the city of love, the eiffel tower, the cobblestone streets, the alfresco cafes, the serenity of the parisian night...

2. Yellowstone National Park
nature at its most beautiful, the snow coated pine trees in winter, the grandeur of the snow covered mountain peaks...

3. Cruise over the atlantic
magnificent sunset over the wide open ocean, the cool wind plays with your senses, romantic nights on the ship's deck...

and if i may think of other prime destinations i'd be sure to pen it down. maybe Switzerland, Hawaii, Serengeti, Dubai, Turkey... i know there's more to say, but the mind is just an empty blank now.

the beach run

somehow i just wished the beach was a couple of minute's walk from my place... i think i had already wished for that before. well running along the beach at night is certainly much nicer than running around my neighbourhood. you get to see lots of people, smell lots of barbecued charcoal and the food that's being charred, the blaring bass drumbeats from the bars and pubs and not forgetting the gentle breeze that makes you run like the wind. now that i think of it, maybe i should have covered more than 6km today, but i guess i became kinda lazy and well the thirst for green tea dropped on cue. now i'm starting to feel the effect of mr sandman's sparkles.

as usual, i took a bus home and of course had to have my music player on at all times during the journey. taking the bus home isn't such a bad thing despite the fact that the travelling time may feel like ages for some. for me, i'd just look outside the window panels and essentially looked around for beautiful scenarios, people, animals, well basically everything. it'd be better if i had my guitar, at least i can entertain the people on the bus with some songs...

now i was thinking... what if the brain were to be able to be switched off, well at least those parts of the brain that stores memory or that thinks. i'd love that idea. i think my brain needs to keep quiet because the neurons are firing away like a raging thunderstorm. sooner or later i think i might be going crazy. and now my brain cant even tell my eyes to stay open for awhile more. apparently the coffee that i was drinking didn't really work much.

i think i better hit the hay...

it is still not easy

this is going out to you:

up till now i think it's been very hard on you. i don't want that to happen, i don't intend for this to happen but it has to. i want to spare you the pain, surely you'd wish for me to spare you the pain but i simply cannot do it. it is just for your own good. i don't want to leave you feeling hurt and down, it saddens me too, believe me.

i'm trying to lead a normal life, though it proves to be very hard. i have never heard from you since sunday and i truly and sincerely hope that you are fine and well. there should be no hard feelings between us, though i think you might be blaming me for this. i don't blame you, and i will never. i won't contact you till the end of the week, i need to give you space to breathe and think. till then i truly hope you'll look after your own well being and not do things that you would regret.

it never was easy, trust me.

why i was silent

this is going out to you:

i had to be silent, i had to say little. i can't bear to make you hope anymore, neither can i bear to shred your heart into irreparable pieces. if you'd remember the last time when i was in camp, i cried so badly, i couldn't hold myself back. all the tears that could have been shed on that day poured till my tear ducts were dried. i had no tears left on that day and cried without tears. when i do that i'm holding you back, and i don't think i want to hold you back anymore.

please do forgive me for not being very responsive. i just don't want to crash your heart, but at the same time i just want you to leave me with nothing attached.

i thought i could say what's on my mind, but doing that would only make things worse, just like the other time, and the other time, and the other time. this isn't the first time it happened, it happened so many times before. i foresee that this time it was going to hurt both of us even more than the past, but it has to be done now, and to keep you hoping for something to happen would be so selfish of me.

believe me, i can't say or tell you everything because your pain is my pain, your sorrows are my sorrows, your heartfelt burden is shared between us. there was simply no way that we can continue the relationship.

telling you how i truly feel would only make you grieve, to cry endlessly and to be so crushed and emotionally torn for life. you have many years ahead of you, and i don't want to ruin it. many more left to be said, but not at this very moment. you need time to heal, i need time to heal. neither of us will heal faster than either of us, we'll heal at the same time, and lead our separate lives. till then, may peace be upon you.