reminisce

there's always something that i would never forget. oh how that day plays itself over and over again in my thoughts, just like silent movie but with bright and vivid colours. that, and not forgetting the days the came after, the weeks and the months. arduous. i had to endure.

what was i thinking back then? should i have held on to her, knock some sense into her? make her realise that she was making the single most biggest mistake of her life? the fact was, i didn't. i let her go. i let her speak her mind as my eyes welled up with tears that don't seem to ever stop flowing. her words seared my empty heart as those crystal droplets lay rest on the park bench. my mind was blurred.

as she uttered the first few words, i thought to myself, gosh, it is finally happening. the end of the strain in our relationship. no more worries for both of us. then, as she continued, a totally different set of emotions sank in. she was the only one i had loved, cared for and cherished for over 3 years. the things that we've been through, the ups and downs. we practically grew up together, as well as grew on one another. but i kept silent. not knowing what to do at that point of time. she asked me why i was so silent. the only thing i could tell her was that it wasn't the first time, and what would i get from saying anything?

she parted, just like that. not a clean break. like a human body bring ripped apart, leaving the insides dangling out in the most grotesque of ways. my vision tunnelled as the grim reality started to set in. this time round, a heavy flow proceeded as my thoughts went into overdrive with a thousand memories swarming through. i got up from my seat, and stormed away.

i have never forgiven you since that day.

maybe i shouldn't

something came over me a few days back. i don't know why it happened but it just happened. i told myself to give her another chance. but why? i have no idea. probably it was the fact that i was feeling very lonely, or that i can't lay the past to rest. it can be painful at times i must admit, but sometimes the feeling simply dissipates and i feel an air of calmness. like when i hang out with my boys at the smoking corner, we can simply just let the world go away and leave it all behind. i think it is just the company of friends that helps to alleviate the hurt and distracts your mind from your day to day stresses.

thinking about the week that's passed, i realised that different parts of the week would conjure different moods. here's my day to day interpretation of the 5 days of the working week. or at least my working week:

monday
work has just begun, and i have a long way to go before i finally get to go home. i look at the forecast of training for the week, and plan my lessons accordingly. at night when i go to bed, i'd think of anything random, from my past to what i'd do in the future. and that includes the upcoming weekend which is in fact a number of days away.

tuesday
only one day had passed, so nothing special about the second day. i have to keep the enthusiasm going to last me till friday, and show my boys that i'm in the same situation as them. the nights are quiet and lonely, probably the most emotional of the 5 days as i begin to reminisce and immerse myself deep in my thoughts. i also think of the people around me, and wonder whether they know i exist, or just chose to ignore my existence.

wednesday
i'm halfway there, and trying to stretch for the weekend. but at times, i may feel like im stuck in the middle. 2 days passed and 2 days to go. stalemate. here i'd try to think about what i'd do on friday night, planning to enjoy my weekend while trying to make myself feel better about the slow and draggy week.

thursday
there's an aura that always accompany the thursday. the day would be as any other day, but the day would also beckon for the night, and then the night would beckon for the next day, which would be a friday unless the end of the world came springing up suddenly. i'd usually enjoy dinner at the SBL, or simply spend the night on the rooftop, staring at the sky and getting high. thursday nights are nice, because you'd think of going home, and you don't think of anything else.

friday
friday is d-day. it is the day where i would be able to go home. but, knowing that i'm in a training school, i'm always prepared to go home on a saturday morning, which is just a bummer. however the air on friday is just different. the morning would be slow and calm, then friday prayers at noon adds an air of serenity on top of the laid back day. and as the clock ticks towards the 5 o' clock mark, i would just be on alert, to get up and go. but if i were to stay back, the night would make me think even more. friday nights makes me think rationally, as i try to reason out the thoughts that i have had for the previous nights. then i told myself, maybe i shouldn't.

i'm kinda bummed by the fact that i'm not doing anything tonight apart from watching soccer at home. i was so enticed by the idea of going for a solo movie, meaning catching a movie alone. but i kinda fell asleep and woke up late. and i didn't know what show would be nice. maybe i'd go watch later... if i have the time.

suddenly i realise that doing things alone is just a darn sad thing to do. but hey i'm a living in a world where 6 billion people would live 6 billion different lives with 6 billion different needs... and 6 billion lonely people.

karma and stuff

karma hasn't been good nowadays cos' life's been going down a rocky road. something drastic happened that will make me think back upon the past couple of years. i kinda regretted, but then again a part of me felt it was okay. it was only yesterday when it happened, and right now i'm quite unsure about how i should be feeling. three years is a long time, but if it were to continue, then it would be much harder in the future. it was hard to part, there were so many emotions attached but i guess both of us should know what's best.

i may seem like any other person, heartless towards this situation. i don't believe in karma, cos' i just feel that there's more to life than a perfect balance. because if i believe in karma, i wouldn't be feeling so messed up right now. my emotions are being shaken about and stirred around and i'm trying to get her out of my head. i guess this is the hardest thing i've ever had to do.

ive never been in this situation before, so i'm unsure of how to go about returning life to the way it is. for the past three years it has always be 'us' and 'we', but now my life will have more 'i' and 'me'. it feels weird really, and i must say f***ed up but it can't be helped. right now the only thing i want is for her to emotionally detach herself from me. besides i need to return her phone and other stuff she asked me to safe keep. i really am clueless to what i should do now. help me please...

it still hurts.